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kitten cast

thought experiment

ready to get it over with

fuck everything
kitten cast
I'm tired of this. I can't express myself. I'm going to explode. I haven't done anything useful or interesting with my life. I'll never have a husband or boyfriend or kids. I have a lousy job and I have to work another job to make ends meet. My budget says I have enough, but at the end of the month, I have nothing because it's hard to control my spending. I'm fat and tired and the doctor says I'm probably prediabetic. My insurance is shitty and I can't afford any more tests. I know what I need to do but I don't have the discipline to do it. Nor do I even care enough about myself to do it.

I have no comprehension of romantic love and I don't believe someone when they say they want to go out. I think they're lying to me about their interest. No one could possibly love me.

I want to kill myself but I am too much of a goddamn pussy.

Hopefully that will change in the near future.

No one will read this and that's okay. I'm just another worthless piece of human shit out of 7 billion. Who would notice me? Who would care? No one pays attention. But god fucking forbid I post this on Facebook and I get goddamned shot down because it's negative. FUCK YOU

The Avengers: Why Hard Drugs Will Limit My Fandoms
b/p cool
(posted on my dA account)

And yes, I am now a fan of Loki. And Tom Hiddleston as an actor. This new interest also has nothing to do with the fact that I like villains, villains who wear green and/or business suits, tall, male, intelligent, or with long-ish hair. Nothing whatsoever, yessiree….

(And Tom Hiddleston's ass, but that's like a given, right?)

Not to mention it TRULY takes a movie of great cinematic integrity to make me any sort of Marvel fan. But after I saw the Avengers, I went and watched all the previous movies in the Marvel Studios line up (sans X-men, let's not go there, sorry Chesney), and let me tell you, it makes me wonder why I've always thought so highly of an angry, emo billionare orphan that ran around fighting crime while cosplaying a steroid abusing bat. Oh, that's right; it was due to the villains. That took like two seconds to figure out.
Like everything else I'm attracted to, it's a goddamned miracle I'm not either in jail or lying brutally murdered in a ditch somewhere.

Uh, moving along…

…but there's a problem. In case you've been living under an internetless rock for the past 15 years or so, it doesn't surprise anyone here that confusing, improbable, and oftentimes balls-blastingly terrifying slash fanfiction springs up in all fandoms, between any character(s), at any age (!), and at any level of author competence. I remember- I started writing fan fiction in middle school and holy SHIT was it emo and bad. I even remember writing some Little House on the Prairie deathfic (warning: contains cannibalism) after reading The Long Winter and detailing (with lots of blood and gritty detail cause I was the shit) Pa having to pick one of his daughters to butcher to survive the winter.

No, I don't have a copy of that fic, and be grateful I don't. Please.

But if I had the internet then (at least, access other than AOL 'cause in 1995, that's all you had) I would have totally posted that bitch online and gotten tons of reviews and then promptly wasted my teenage years as an attention whore by way of fanfiction. *cough*justmyearlytwenties*cough* That's my problem – I'll throw myself into whatever obsession I'm into currently (which can range from just a few days to several years). I did that a lot in high-school and somewhat in college. I say 'somewhat' because of a seemingly unrelated experience I had during that time.

I was about 19, almost 20. I had met some awesome people in my classes (ie: people that could buy me booze) and we started hanging out a lot, and partying a lot. When I say partying a LOT, I mean a LOT – like "filling-a-hot tub-full-of-Heineken-and-somehow-also-doing-jello-shots-underwater(beer)" a lot, every night of the week. I would stumble into Biology lab or lecture at 10 am still drunk, and I'll be damned if I didn't get my best grades ever in a science class that way. But it was just beer or vodka. Sure, I shouldn't have been doing it, but beer wasn't straight-up illegal. After a few months of this, shit got kinda real.

It was a Halloween party. Of course, we were all wasted, but not enough to not want to have more fun. Someone pulled out a bong* and asked if anyone cared if she smoked a bowl. I honestly didn't care, not to mention that, um…supplement…never had much of an effect on me anyway. (Besides making me hungry, like I needed any help with that...) She asked me if I ever did any drugs– and I said truthfully – no, I never got into it, and it seemed never to do much, so no point in taking it, right?

Then her boyfriend asked if I'd ever done anything harder.

I gave him a curious look and asked him to specify. He answered by pulling out a baggie of coke.


I don't remember much between that and actually snorting it, but I followed his instructions to the letter. **
It wasn't pleasant at first, but after a minute or so, I felt AMAZING. It was the best feeling I've ever had in my life up to that point. We both chatted rapidly, did crazy shit (but not each other, hurrr) and…well shit I don't remember. But it was great. At about 5-ish in the morning, it wore off, and I had to leave anyway. He told me, "I can get you more, if you want."

I gave him the biggest shit-eating grin I've ever given anyone in my life.

"No thanks, bro. That shit's gonna ruin my life."

Then I stumbled out of there.

After that, I took a step back and looked at my priorities. I wanted to do well in school, but I also wanted to write lots of fanfic and draw lots of pictures. I didn't realize it then, but I'm not the type that can do more than two things very well at once. (well, besides sleeping and eating Oreo-and-Cheeto sandwiches) At that point I wasn't yet diagnosed with my myriad of physical and psychiatric disorders, so all my coping was done mentally without medication or therapy. I spent so much energy trying to do all the things I wanted to do and what I needed to do, and for the most part, the important things fell by the wayside and my distractions (fandoms) took over as first priority. I lost a lot because of that - I won't get into detail how it culminated for me in the long run, but when I'm considering some new fandom or project, my rule is to think of cocaine, and how sometimes even innocent fun shit could potentially ruin your life.

The most I'll commit to with Avengers is faveing cool fan art.

I'm sorry Tom's ass. :(

Meme that FrankieAlton is making me do
kitten cast
1) Make a list of fifteen characters first, and keep it to yourself for the moment.

2) Ask your f-list to post questions in the comments. For example: "One, nine, and fifteen are chosen by a prophecy to save the world from four. Do they succeed?", "Under what circumstances might five and fourteen fall in love?", "Which character on the list would you most want on your side in a zombie invasion?"

3) After your f-list has stopped asking questions, round them up and answer them using the fifteen characters you selected beforehand, then post them.

I should do things
kitten cast
I should get out and do things. I've actually been feeling a little better lately. Who knows how long it'll last, but I really should do stuff while it lasts.

I don't really have the energy to do much of anything. I can't muster up the energy (for money) to just go out and get a drink with co-workers, let alone shit like going to museums or hiking or whatever. I doubt I'll ever go back and finish my degree. I am just done. Tired of school, I don't have the money, motivation, or desire to finish.

Even writing is too much energy. I'm just so tired mentally.

kitten cast
Rest in peace, Bear Princess.

We'll miss you.

only in america
kitten cast
...well, maybe other places too, but I don't live there

My Life: Things are Horrible

tired and confused all the time
can't remember anything
not motivated
my kitchen is filthy, not that it matters because my gas has been shut off for 3 months so I can't cook
everything is filthy
Nothing I try to do on my own never pans out
I've stopped hoping better things will even come my way, because they don't even when I try
Can't afford much of anything
hungry, but I'll be damned before I ask my family for anything
I hate them

I'm lonely

I don't want to be around the people that love me, assuming they exist

kitten cast
everything's fuzzy...and distant

I don't understand

no one cares

kitten cast
I really should just kill myself.

But I won't.

I look forward to the end, whenever it decides to come.

REPOST: Rant from dA Page
kitten cast
Really people? REALLY?

Just...I'm...I can't believe how utterly STUPID people have been acting recently over the nuclear plant situation in Japan. Really. I can't.

I can, to a small degree, understand concern and preparedness on the part of people on the west coast of the United States and Canada. That's cool, you guys are a little closer, although you're still roughly five thousand miles away (unless you're in Alaska or whatever). Heck, I'm not gonna bash anybody who's concerned. It's good to be concerned, and it's good to be monitoring the situation as it unfolds.

(Just so we're all clear before I start my rant, I am pro-nuclear power. However, this does not mean I am interested in changing your mind about it if you're not. Right now, I don't care if you are or not. That's not what this post is about, and I'm not going to engage in an argument with you about the preconceived notions you harbor about the industry. I won't answer any comments related to that topic, unless you want to send me a note about it. Then we can talk.)

But anyway, moving on.

I made the super huge mistake of reading comments on various Japan-related articles. Of course they were not only hilarious, but completely outrageous. One of my favorites, if you will:

“Radiation is deadly and dangerous!!!!!!”


Dude, I can tell you're serious because of all the exclamation marks. I mean, one or two, then you're clearly just kidding around but damn, SIX?! After I finished pondering over this profound statement (i.e.: laughing and then crying over the state of a society that has the world's greatest learning tool at their fingertips but only use it for porn and trolling MSNBC) I had to wonder – did this fine internet user ever finish high school? Wait, scratch that, he probably did. Sadface.

Let me introduce you to something called the electromagnetic spectrum. Many of you will remember or perhaps only have a vague recollection of it in high school physics, but it's really not a hard concept. Everything on the EM spectrum is technically light. Light manifests as waves (yes and particles too, but for the sake of this explanation I'm not going to complicate this too much) and what we humans think of as light is actually a very narrow band (between 0.04 – 0.07 micrometers wavelength) on that scale. For instance, red has a longer wavelength than blue, so red is closer to infrared (see what I did there?) on the EM spectrum. We can't see infrared, but it's still light. Microwaves are longer still, then radio, then something else, I can't remember. Radio waves are pretty cool, actually. Their wavelengths are really long, and they can travel long distances because they have really low energy and because they are long. Hence, we use them for communication. (If radio waves suddenly became dangerous, we'd all be fucked because I guarantee you got one burning through your brain right now.)

Notice that the further you move away from a light source, the dimmer it becomes? Some light waves are longer than others, so they can travel further (Such as radio waves, like we've discussed) from their source. That being said, light does not follow the curvature of the Earth. That would be stupid. If that were the case, then there wouldn't be a difference between night and day. And you could tune into any radio station you wanted anywhere in the world. (Which I guess would be cool.)

Bearing that in mind:

1.) Gamma waves are still light waves.

2.) Gamma waves and x-rays that are dangerous in high amounts, gamma is especially dangerous in any amount, and yes, nuclear power plants do generate this type of radiation as a consequence of fission.

3.) Gamma waves and x-rays are not one of those waves that can travel very far from their source because they are tiny waves, unless that source is a fucking bomb that has a bunch of energy releasing all at once.

4.) The further away you move from a steady gamma source, the exponentially weaker that energy becomes. Like LIGHT! WOW...because it is.

5.) Not including Alaska, Japan is a few thousand miles away from the continental United States.

I'd ask this guy to do the math, but I don't think he can. Oh, and all light is radiation. ALL light. (But not all radiation is light.)

Look, radiation is like water in this sense: too little is bad for your health, just the right amount is good for you, and too much will kill you.

But honestly if you're that scared of radiation and you want to avoid it, here's some advice:

You can't.

However, in order to mitigate the risk of coming across as a complete pedantic asshole, I'll assume this poster meant 'ionizing radiation'. Okay, fair enough. This guy probably doesn't deserve to be picked on specifically – I mean, almost every person I come across in real life has no freaking clue on how ionizing radiation and particles (the dangerous stuff) behave in the first place. I seriously think that people believe that it's this uncontrollable invisible magical horror that we could never understand.

It's just basic physics.

Since gamma waves and x-rays are ionizing radiation, and those aren't going to make it over here, then we can scratch that off of the list of 'things the dumbshits Stateside need to worry about'.

But we do have a couple of things that should concern us. Mildly. And certainly not if you're east of the Mississippi.

And that is 'fallout'. Well fallout here really isn't the best term to use, 'cause 'fallout' would imply a nuclear weapon, but whatever. People use whatever terminology they want, like how 'total meltdown = OMG NUKLEAR EXPLOSUN!” :snicker: (An actual nuclear explosion – as in, an explosive chain-reaction in the nuclear fuel – is physically impossible in a civilian plant).

And even then, not specifically the 'fallout' so much as what's emitting from the ash and dust that may or may not make it over here and come raining down on us.

Alright I'm going to make this short because I'm hungry and it's dinnertime. (Yay!)

Alpha particles – destructive ionizing particles that can damage DNA. This is super bad. The people most at risk are people who breathe in the particles or people that like to lick broken home fire alarms. This particle, while nasty inside your body, can be stopped with a piece of paper, a cheap paper mask, or perhaps a couple inches of nothing.

Beta particles- Also destructive ionizing particles that can damage DNA. These are also super bad, if ingested. The people most at risk here are those that ingest or inhale the particle or people without skin.

Look, I'm really not trying to downplay the danger that is presented here, especially in Japan itself. But the effects that might happen on this side of the Pacific are being over hyped. It's not about just one bit of dust touching you or even just inhaling a tiny bit of it, it's about exposure over time and how you're exposed. There are a million variables at work here, so flipping out and taking potassium iodide tablets without knowing what you're doing, exactly why people take those right before/after exposure, or what it actually does in your body (hint: it's not anti-radiation) is not just stupid but more dangerous than any actual fallout that might make it over here.

I know that people are buying Geiger counters at an incredible rate, and two of my favorite suppliers are out. OUT! And these things (at least these particular ones) cost almost $500 each! (I think it's sort of funny, 'cause when the average panicky consumer actually gets it and turns it on, not only are they unlikely to understand what the readings mean, but they're going to flip their shit at all the constant 'scary ticking sounds' they'll hear. Calibration is your friend...)

Like I said, it's good to be aware and prepared. But it's also good to remember the actual earthquake and tsunami part of the disaster. You know, the one that killed, at my last count, at least 5,000 people and about 10,000 still missing. And it's winter there, so it's also snowing and shit. Hokkaido is the snowiest place in the world. (Yes, I'm aware that the epicenter was closer to Honshu, but hey it's only a little further south). Japan is pretty damn close to Siberia and it's cold in the winter. I understand that the ocean moderates temperatures but you get what I'm saying. Let's just not forget about that, about people suffering, people missing, a considerable chunk of the infrastructure is heavily damaged so transportation is limited at best. That will kill more than this nuclear plant will. Actually, it already has.

Obviously, I am aware Japan is a first world nation and is very economically sound so I know that in absence of foreign aid they could likely pull themselves out of the situation. That being said, I am glad that many countries have offered to help, although I'm not looking forward to the inevitable flood of Japan hurt/comfort Hetalia fan fiction.

Well that's it for this entry, and I wish them all the best.

kitten cast

Okay, so lately I've been looking for a part-time job for nights and weekends, 'cause I'm tried of being perpetually broke. As we all know, the economy hasn't been super awesome, but that's okay, I'm pretty much willing to do just about anything, except pharmacy. Working retail pharmacy makes me want to die, or at least make others die, and not to mention the pay's shitty for a job that requires I hold the lives of people that I want to die in my hands.


So I decided, "Hey, lets look at other areas of employment! Cleaning, cooking, whatever! I can do all those things!" I decide to go to Craigslist, in the vain hope that I would somehow be able to root through all those work from home scams and ads seeking women with big butts for adult entertainment purposes to eventually find some legitimate, non-nudity requiring employment that's not too far away.

And I do....but the requirements listed on some of these ads are ridiculous. Not that wanting the absolute best employee EVAR is a ridiculous notion in and of itself, but it's certainly ridiculous to demand that a candidate have "flexible scheduling, can work anytime and additional hours, have 5 years of experience, 7 excellent references, must own vehicle, able to make deliveries (hope you're going to reimburse me there, buddy) hold a commercial driver's license" all for barely above minimum wage and oh, you're also a contractor. But hey, it's a "fast-paced and fun environment!" Translation: stressful as fuck and we're also cheap bastards.

Cake Decorator:

Me: Hell yeah, I love cake! I will decorate the SHIT out of that cake, and I'll do it with a goddamn smile on my face too! Cake is awesome, I love it so much, I-


You want 4 years experience. Okay. And I have to work whenever you want? Okay I can work with- Oh. OHHHH. Eight bucks an hour? Hahahaha. That's cute. You're cute. See ya.

House Cleaner:

Me: Okay, I am down with that. I can clean a house. Who in the fuck DOESN'T know how to clean a house? I mean really, you go in, you clean, you leave, voila! There you go. How hard can this be-


I see. You want me to....watch your kids? And drive them around places? AND clean your house? Okay, well that ad was a bit misleading but I can deal with- Oh. OHHHH. You want me to be available from 10am-7pm Monday through Saturday? WOW! And with that competitive, generous salary of $120 a week, who could pass THAT up?!

Here's an idea: Since you clearly don't want to deal with either raising your kids or managing a household, why don't we just trade places, I'll live in your house, watch your kids and you can have my apartment and still pay me that $120 a week? Because you're basically just hiring a parent. Douche.

So, in conclusion, everyone on Craigslist is a bunch of cheapskate douchebags and/or constantly looking for big butts models.

Hmmm....I think I'll hit up the manager at my local Starbucks again and double check with her again about that barista position...